"Ma'am, can you tell me your name?"
"Yes."
"Well, what is it?"
"I can tell you."
"Really? Then please do."
"Um. [pause] I don't remember right now."
"Ma'am, can you tell me where we are right now?"
"Yes."
"Well, where are we?"
"I'm in a room. They keep moving my room around. But I can tell you in a minute."
"Sure you can. Go ahead."
[strange mumblings that make absolutely no sense, minus a few intelligible words]
"Ma'am, can you raise your eyebrows for me?"
[Eyebrows pointed to the sky for at least a minute]
"Ok, you can stop now."
[Eyebrows still pointed up for another minute (now I'm laughing to myself)]
"Didn't your mama tell you that your face will get stuck that way if you aren't careful?"
"Oh." [Eyebrows down, and now she's pleasantly smiling.]
"Ma'am, we need to put a foley catheter in to drain your bladder." This part was CLEARLY not understood. I got "the look." You know, the one where you're looked at like you have 10 heads. Well, then she got antsy, of course, and we had to get out the fancy bracelets and vest.
"These will match your outfit. You will look so pretty. Matches your veins AND the blue of your gown." Unfortunately, restraints usually tick people off more and make the confused even MORE confused.
Carlen to me: "Looks like I'm going to have a moving target here."
At this point, Mimi is explaining that we need to start an IV so that my patient can get IV fluids.
Me: "Carlen, would you like me to hold her legs?" I grab leg number 1. Mistake. Apparently that leg doesn't want a foley catheter as evidenced by what I call the bucking bronco move that she attempted. I was holding on for dear life, trying not to get a sideswipe to the head. "Hey, Marcella! Will you help me, pleeeeease?"
Marcella grabs the other leg, which equally does not want a catheter, and soon we're in a battle of who can find the moving urethra vs who can dodge the catheter (mind you, the patient is now thrusting her hips off the bed). At this point, I'm in tears from laughing so hard because the scene is just too hilarious. The leg Marcella is holding looks double jointed, knee bend in towards the hoohoo--exactly where we don't want it as poor Carlen is trying to take a stab in the dark with the catheter tip while maintaining sterility. The patient's one arm is trying to reach up and slap Mimi, who now has a needle in hand, while the other arm, which is still restrained to the bed, is reaching up for her nasal cannula to take the oxygen out of her nose. I do remember Mimi taking off a shoe at one point and contorting herself into a near split to hold the patient's arm down while trying to start an IV. And what am I doing in all of this, you ask? Holding the leg that is now furiously pumping up and down as if she were trying to march her way up a large flight of stairs. "Everyone is my witness. All extremeties are moving and strong. Who was it that said her right side was "paralyzed" again? Idiot!"
My patient: "Get off me you s***asses!" (I'm thinking, "Huh?") Now screaming, "These b****es won't get off me!" (clearest words I've heard yet). I was stunned, but I couldn't hold back the laughter yet again! Words like these should not be coming out of the mouth of a sweet little old grandma with pretty pink toenail polish. Fighting the whole while, it took 4 nurses, one a contortionist, to put in an IV and a foley catheter--easily a one man job. She's the strongest 80+ year old I've ever met, bless her heart!
Enters Shawn, "You guys having fun in here yet?"
My patient: "You're a bastard!"
Shawn: "Alrighty then. Guess so!"
And then I gave her some drugs and all was well...
Thank you, Haldol!
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